Swim to, through & Lap Over into the Calm, Calm Sea

Yesterday was a hard pull.

I love life of course. Sometimes though, it gets hard to pull through. The pull starts with waking up by the pain that tells me “get up! Arthritis is a bear. I have to stretch as much as possible, try and roll back and forth, and fan my legs in the air. Then, my brain begins with its constant thinking. Wow. While I begin my trek to the kitchen to prepare my cat’s food, feed him, turn on the lights, turn on the coffee, rinse any dishes in the sink that may be there, then depending on my condition, shower and get dressed, or sit and drink coffee in my pjs.

Inconsequentially, (I think) I start to think about things of the past, memories in my life when I stuttered in periods in my life when things were difficult. Most of the memories begin with a happy start, then move through the entire picture of the memory’s historical location and situation. And, that is when it’s hard to pull through.

I began with Mid Sis, whom we know as the middle sister. She was quiet but had a sense of independence much stronger than myself or my eldest sister. She read romance novels, got a job younger and was the first divorcee in our family. She was very pretty and had lots of friends. I admired that. I was not as pretty and I was a clown because I did not know how to make friends really. And when it came to friends, I could not hold onto them for my true nature would become evident. I was a melancholic kind of person. So I tried to stay close to her, but her friends meant so much more and finally I lapped away as one laps away by sea.

My eldest sister was much older than I; ten years to be exact. I thought of her as my mother since she took care of me more than my mother did, after my mom had so many children; I was the last of six and a large gap between me and mid sister was my good fortune. Yes, I’m being sarcastic.

Now my elder sister married very young and moved away quickly, having a child very soon after. I saw her less and less as I grew older. One again; lap, lap, lap. But I loved her more and more, understanding how difficult it was for her having to take on a little child when she herself was one. And now she had her own child, no longer able to care for me.

Anyway, I thought about the middle sister, the quiet one. I remembered her as always “scuffling” about quietly. When I told her one time that she scuffled, she laughed and exaggerated the movement of scuffling. When we spoke about going somewhere or doing something she would comically say (in her quiet little voice), “okay,I will scuffle next to you.” She would act it out and I would laugh. So for a very short time we came to the shore simultaneously.

But then, remembering that little scene made me remember too that she left home and I was alone with my invalid mother who lamented that I not leave her alone because I would be heartless if I did… I was sixteen and chomping at the bit to run my individual race in life. I had graduated from high school early and wanted to do something spectacular with my life. But I did not leave my mother alone, and I did nothing spectacular at all. My escape was pregnancy by a young man I had hardly known, and then we married. It lasted three years and two children. So I had to pull through that one–heartbreaking.

One day I was foraging through my things, as I did regularly, since I moved a lot as an adult. I found a journal I was given by my eldest sister who gifted me after I graduated with a master’s degree in English and Education. I remember feeling so wonderful as I was the first one in all six siblings to attain such a level of education. She had my name engraved in it, and it had a biblical verse at the bottom of each page. I felt a heartwarming sense of longing to see her, but then the big picture came forth and I remembered she had died. Every time I think of her that memory shadows over every happy moment I had with her. Away, into the sea she went. Away…away…

That she is gone and I miss her terribly, is hard to pull through. I am still trying to pull through on that one. So today I am remembering her with this post, hoping it will help me wade in the water a bit, minimize the pain of arthritis, sputter a bit. Then, swim on…

I miss you terribly Big Sister, and I will always love you…